Fear of Not Doing Enough… Developing Unshakeable Assurance
I remember early on in my private practice, I remember how comfortable it was for me to work with clients in deep distress. It was as if I could move through it easily, hold space for people’s feelings. But it was when the session was about to end that I felt a bit panicked.
Looking at the clock, it was approaching my next appointment time. My next client would be waiting for me and the current client to end our session. It was stressful for me to think about wrapping things up quickly when this client was clearly still in distress.
I had a couple of go-tos in my toolbox….
I would put a clock where my client could see it so they could keep track of the time themselves.
I would put an alarm at the end of the session so they can hear the alarm as well and “get the hint”
I would have different scripts prepared around “wrapping up.”
None of them worked. Sometimes it worked, but not consistently.
Then, I noticed this guilty feeling that took over. Why was it that I couldn’t end my sessions? Why is it so hard and dreadful to have to wrap up so quickly? Part of me wanted to be done so I can finally use the bathroom, but part of me was stressed thinking that the client would be left crying as they walked out.
Little did I know, I was flooded with therapist guilt every time I tried to end the session on time. A part of me knew that I needed to end the session on time and that it was going to be okay, but another part of me felt like I was re-enacting parental neglect and the client was going to not be happy with me.
I want to let you in on what I’m learning about therapist guilt. It isn’t about the client, its about YOU.
It’s about you feeling that you are not good enough for you. It’s about you believing that you are the central healing figure in this persons life and that they don’t have the resources to heal. It’s about you believing that you need to give until you run dry so that others can be okay. It’s about you not believing that your presence is even enough for you.
This not good enough feeling will drive you to deprioritize your health. Your needs. Your well being. It will drive your practice into the ground because you will be depleted if this was left unchecked.
How do we go about working with this therapist guilt? First of all, working towards unblending with this feeling that has come into flood you. Blending starts with a part of you that is triggered and senses danger or vulnerability and then driving you towards enacting a behavior that is self protective in order to avoid it’s perspective of what is painful.
For example, if you sense that your client is in distress and you are about to end the session, the part might drive you to extend the session or rationalize why you have to end in order to soften the blow. You are left to believe that if you end the session now and the client is still in distress, then you are cold and neglectful. Therefore, you have to do something about it.
How do we get unshakeable assurance and not give into the therapist guilt?
1) Recognize that therapist guilt is a part
2) Externalize the part by greeting the part
3) Thirdly, try to see access some groundedness and anchoring to help you gain some grounding so you can resource and find steadiness
4) Fourth, see if you can access your higher self.
5) Fifth, see if your higher self can send some compassion to your guilty parts
6) Sixth, ask yourself, from the most compassionate place, what they are afraid if they did the scary thing (cut the client off abruptly to end the session, draw boundaries, etc)
7) Seven- notice that there is an underlying painful feeling beneath every avoidance behavior. This fear is different for everyone and sometimes different for different circumstances